The Double Date/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ bird squawks ] harold: Lights, camera, action. Cue the credits. Roll the audience. Whatever they're supposed to do, do that. And, well, because it's time for "the red green show," and 100,000 fingers just pushed the "record" button. And about 20 or 30 just pushed the "pause" button, but they won't even know it's a mistake till tomorrow when they try and play it back and go, "hey, what's going on?" anyway, speaking of "pause" buttons, here's the man whom I like to call "the man from u.N.C.L.E," because that's basically what he is to me. But he's also the star of the show. Here he is -- I'm, oh, so confused at this point -- red green! Thank you, harold. Thank you, and, uh, welcome to possum lodge. Any of you who just heard that introduction will already have guessed that, uh, harold is a relative, and there's a huge favor involved in his working on the show here. I don't consider this a favor. I enjoy like directing and producing and doing this stuff. [ keyboard clacking ] wa-a-a! Don't worry -- as soon as his salary adds up to what I owe his father, he's out of here. Been kind of an interesting week up at the lodge, uh, this week. Uh, there's something strange going on with helmut, our -- our maintenance man. Now usually helmut spends his days kind of tinkering around, making adjustments to the water pump to the point where it doesn't work at all. But this week, he hasn't been doing any maintenance. So actually, everything's working pretty good up at the lodge. It kind of proves that saying that we always use on helmut, which is "if it ain't broke too bad, don't total it." uncle red, I think helmut's in l-o-v-e. I know the signs. And not just with his mother, which, you know, is good. We don't -- we don't actually talk much about love up here at the lodge. Sex, yes. Love, no. Love to us is kind of private and potentially embarrassing, whereas, uh, sex is more or less public domain. I think sex is every bit as much private as love is, maybe even more so. It certainly isn't something you want to share with a group. Well, then, you've never been to the lodge christmas party, have you, harold? Wa-a-a! Don't start talking about the christmas party to me. Wa-a-a-a-a-a! Ho ho ho! Get that one, remember? Ha. "is there anything under the christmas tree for me?" wa-a-a! "hey, it's the wrong size." ♪ la, la, la! ♪ shut up, harold. All righty. I'll take five. Wa-a-a, do you have a bad hand, too? Yeah, all little ones -- four 2s and a 3. Give me two, bill. I am fine. Three. Hey, what do you think? I think bill should make a decision. No, my corsage. Made it for my date tonight. That's not a corsage. That's a duck blind. You really want to get your date out of her dress, pin that onto her -- let gravity do the rest. [ laughs ] okay, look, I raise. Helmut, you have a date? Yeah. Why? Well, nothing. I just -- who knew a girl would actually say... You know what I was thinking? I was thinking to myself -- I was thinking, "what a lovely corsage you made there." I was thinking that, and I said it to you. You know what else I was thinking? How generous. All right. I'll raise. So, who's the lucky woman? Let me guess -- lady wrestler? [ laughs ] rita frommer. Rita frommer? The pie lady? Yeah. Oh, man! She's hot! She's about a nine. Nine? Yeah, it's german for "no." she's like suzanne somers on "three's company," only she's brunette, and she's shorter. And okay, she's like the other one on "three's company." yeah, yeah, john ritter. Okay, look, I'll raise. It's not that little cutie with the bakery -- rita's bun house -- is it? That's right. Ooh! You have a date with her? I've had my eye on her for years. How did you get her to go out with you? You know, I go in there and buy danishes from her just to see her in that little apron thing. How did you get her to go out with you? I-I asked her. Oh, you asked her. [ indistinct conversation ] she insisted on bringing her twin sister, though, uh, you know, as a chaperone. Oh. Just in case you accidentally sat on her, huh? Okay, look, I call. What have you got? Mm-hmm, uh-huh. Hey, okay. That's mine. I'm good, eh? I should just close the store and become a professional gambler. What about me? Well, I'll close the store with you in it. So, rita the bun lady's got a twin sister, huh? Yeah, leslie. Well, she said they're not identical twins. Leslie's blond. Ooh! Harold: Blond's good. Well, uh, why don't we make this a double date? I don't know if leslie would like that. Well, I, uh -- I could go as your chaperone. Yeah. Like, you know, I'll bring the r.V. I'll stop at the bank, get some money at the drive-through. Picnic lunch, and maybe later, we'll go to the drive-in, watch a flick. Well, I made dinner reservations at that new, uh, chinese/italian place there, chop louie's bamboo pizzeria. They got a drive-through. Well -- look, I think you shouldn't show up with glen. No, I think you should take me there. I can get you real corsages from the store for free, huh? No charge. And I'll get you a nice suit. All set up there in a suit, yeah. What's wrong with what I'm wearing? Well, nothing, if you plan on taking her dancing in an open-pit mine. [ laughs ] get your r.V. Ready, glen. It is. Well, this evening's got to be special. Clean the tire treads if you have to. No problem. Red, can I borrow some of your clothes? What, to clean the tire treads with? No, to wear. Oh, well, then no. No. But, hey, you guys have a great time on your date. Don't do anything I'd do. All right, you boys. You might be interested in trying some of these -- murray's own aphrodisiacs, guaranteed to give you power and stamina. Murray, these are nice girls. Oh, oh. Oh, well. P-e-z. Yeah. That's -- that's french, you know? Yeah, that's french for "potent." [ chuckles ] let's roll, helmut. Okay. Thought we'd take them bowling. Good idea. Women love to go bowling. You know, I think they got a drive-through there. Uh, you want to stop at mr. Huge and get a tuxedo? Maybe. Good. [ drums and guitar playing ] ♪ the rope that hangs from the old oak tree ♪ ♪ was once the noose for arlo mcgee ♪ ♪ he hanged for three days ♪ ♪ quite a long duration ♪ ♪ the wind swung him around like a bird-feeding station ♪ ♪ and this is one of the songs they sung ♪ ♪ for a man who wasn't well-groomed or well-behaved ♪ ♪ but certainly well-hung ♪ red: This week on, uh, "handyman corner," I'm gonna show you how to turn your home into a castle by using fancy decorative trim, because, uh, almost every castle that I've ever seen -- the pictures, you know -- have always had fancy trim on the outside, up the walls and across the tops, and inside, as well. And 90% of that fancy trim is made with plaster, and that's something that peasants like you and me can do. What I have here is a bag of, uh, plaster of paris. But the instructions are in english, too, you know? Not that any, uh -- not that any handyman I know would ever, uh, sink to reading instructions, you know? But, uh, we'll mix that up, and, uh, just goes in with water, I think. I suppose you could use t.R.P.S. On this if you were in a hurry. That seems -- that seems about right. Nice and pour-- pourable. Okay. Now, uh, we're gonna need something to use as a mold. Uh, what I want to make here is, uh, some sort of a round, decorative, maybe a flower design or something like that, to go on either side of the fireplace. I think it'll look real sharp. So, something that maybe -- yeah, here we go. Here we go. [ clatters ] uh, I like using hubcaps, you know? I particularly recommend, uh, big three, mid to late '60s, you know? Uh, they're -- they're a real -- real sharp-looking unit. Just put that down there, and just, uh, put our plaster right in there. Oh. Well, I...Guess the plaster of paris, uh, sets a little faster than I thought it did, huh? Well, maybe I'll just take a look at those instructions, and we'll whip up another batch. Okay, well, according to the box, uh, once you mix it up, uh, like this, it, uh, sets in about 10 minutes. So, uh, I better g-get right on that. So I'll just put this right into my hubcap. Okay. Boy, maybe I made a little too much here. I wish I had, uh, all four hubcaps. And I would have if the guy had parked longer. Uh, oh, wait. Here we go. Don't have much time here. [ clatters ] I can sort all that stuff out later. What do I got left? About 8 minutes, 8 1/2 minutes, something like that? All right. What else? Excuse me. [ rattling ] all righty. I got a garbage-can lid here and... I don't know quite what that is. Oh, that's a goalie's mask. That'll be ideal. Shovel. Army helmet. Six minutes, five minutes. What do I got left? Oh, okay. [ humming ] okay. [ humming ] [ grunts ] oh. Five minutes? Five minutes left? Okay. I think it should be dry about now. Let's check it. [ splat! ] uh, no, I guess it could use a few more minutes. [ snoring ] [ alarm beeping ] oh. [ groans ] okay. Just put a little time in there, waiting for the plaster to set. [ groans ] we should be in good shape now. All right. [ clears throat ] all right. Uh... Well, by golly. [ coughs ] I think we got her. [ laughs ] look at this. Look at this. Just take that off there real easy. Is that attractive? What does that say to you? Does that say "money"? Does that say "rolling in money" to you? Put that up on -- you know what that looks like? One of those classic, uh, drama things they have. They have tragedy, you know, with the... And they got, uh -- no, tragedy's this way. And the comedy. And then you can put this one, which would be "shutout." or it could make a dandy clock. Put the hands right on the nose. And we got our -- oh, my god. Oh. Take a look at that. Be still my heart. Isn't that a beauty? Now, that -- that could also be a clock. I would put that clock, uh -- I'd put that clock anywhere. I'd put that right on the front of my car. That is a beautiful, beautiful thing. And, uh -- well, here's another -- here's another thing. We're in the kind of a clock motif here. How about this? That's a sundial. Huh? Oh, and -- and another thing that's... These here are more of a -- I guess they're more of a fun -- more of a training. Not really something big enough to make a clock out of. A watch -- you could make a watch out of these. Maybe you want to make watches for all of your friends. Yeah. So, uh, this is obviously the perfect kind of hobby for anybody who cares what time it is. Remember -- till next time, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. I hate this crap. [ shatters ] "it is autumn -- harvesttime. "little seeds have grown to bulbous pumpkins. "the tiny flower buds on the apple tree "have ripened into delicious fruit. And the couch potatoes have grown another chin." well, by golly, this double date is turning into a real big deal. Uh, glen asked me to go down to murray's store and get a corsage or chocolates, both of which he'll probably eat on the way there. And then, uh, he and helmut went off to make themselves look presentable. They went down to glen's marina, 'cause he's got the power tools there that they're gonna need. Now, though, the whole south end of the lake is, uh, covered with aftershave. Buster said that he heard some chain saws going, so I figure they're probably shaving their entire bodies to make themselves look thinner. I think it's excellent that they're taking pride in their appearance. 'cause after all, clothes make the man. Well, then, say hello, mr. Doofus. I-I dress like this so the show has a look. Well, it's not working, harold. Nobody's looking. Should I go change? I'll change if it helps the show. Well, yeah, if we could do the show while you were changing, that would help, yeah. You're kidding. You're kidding. Wa-a-a, go on, go on. 'cause actually, people think I'm quite a fashion plate. Well, I think you're quite a roasting pan. You got me. You did it again. Wa-a-a, that's a good one. Roasting -- that's funny. You're a nut ball. Wa-a-a. Shut up, harold. Got me again! You're good. Oh, hello, red. What can I do to you today? Hi, red. How's it going, man? Really slow. Things are going great. Business is booming. Now, what can I sell you, red? We're very busy here. Well, I'm just here for glen. I was gonna get him some chocolates or some flowers, you know, for that big date of his tonight. We're out of chocolates. We have plenty of chocolates. You ate the last box during the all-night "mod squad" reruns. Well, they were awful, you know? I find boxed chocolates are so inferior. Luckily, I still have some canned chocolates. Canned chocolates? Canned chocolates? They're in the storeroom on the second shelf on the back. Okay. Glen's date will really go for these. I mean, they're a little more expensive, but who can put a price on love, huh? Well, I imagine you could, murray. I can't find them. For the love of mike, they're right there on the second shelf at the back! There they are, right in front of your face. These are baked beans. Well, they're labeled wrong! I'll take 30% off -- no, 20%. 10%. I'll take 10% off. Well, maybe we should, you know, crack them open, make sure they're chocolates. And lose the freshness? Oh, man, that's the whole point behind canned chocolates. You know, murray, I think we're gonna just forget about chocolates and even forget about flowers. I think glen will do better if he has -- has some perfume. Right. Will that be chanel no. 5 or obsession? [ film projector clicking ] red: And speaking of obsession, it's time for "adventures with bill." bill brought a lot of gear here. He's gonna top a tree. Gonna take that top bit out. Just put the ax up. Oh. Not -- not that log, uh, bill. Put it, uh -- put it down in -- just pull that out of there. Get that out of there, bill. That handle looks a bit loose. [ screams ] no, no. I guess it's all right. Uh, bill's got, uh, all the gear there. These are called -- I'm not sure what these are. [ smack! ] oh, bill. Oh, yeah. I know. These are called "horns." they're horns. You put them on, and they dig into the tree. Uh, bill got all this gear off, uh, one of them telephone trucks that was parked outside a doughnut shop. That's some kind of a protector or something. I threw that away. I figured "golly." I don't know what those protectors are on there for anyway. There's nothing to protect. The things go point down. They're not pointing at you or anything. Anyway, he's all set up, and now he just, uh, goes over. Oh, I see what the protectors are for. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 'cause otherwise, you pick up pieces of driftwood and any small animals you might step on. Anyway, he's got the hard hat there, and, uh, now we're gonna put this belt around the tree, which I thought had to be as snug as you could it. [ groans ] I've never done this, uh, kind of work before, you know? I must admit, I was guessing. [ screams ] all right. I loosened her up. Now we got her. Okay, I see, I see. You need a little bit of slack in there. And then, uh, up he goes. Dig that in, and then the other. And golly, I got to admit, I was -- at this point, I was pretty impressed 'cause, uh, bill was getting up the tree there. And a lot of times, bill tries things, and they just don't -- I don't know. They just don't seem to come together just the way -- but this was -- this was really -- well, well, I was speechless. And he's getting up there, oh, god, 50, 60, 62 feet, way up there. And then the idea is he's gonna just cut the top, uh, right off the tree 'cause I guess she was getting dangerous there, what have you. I don't know why they do it. But what had happened was lightning had already, uh, hit this tree, and the top was completely gone. Bill hadn't noticed, and I'm trying to get his attention. But he's -- you know, kind of like, "bill, the top's missing." bill? Uh-oh. [ screaming ] oh, boy, oh, boy. Oh, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy. Oh, boy. [ groaning ] lightning struck twice the same place. But he's okay. And he's inviting me to share his joy. Well, it should be a pretty quiet lodge meeting tonight with glen and helmut out, painting the town plaid. Should have seen them leaving in the r.V. Glen had maps spread all over the windshield, and helmut was folding the table down into a bed. Wow. That -- that would be a little insensitive thinking. I mean, that would be a major turnoff for any woman to walk right in there and see a bed there. Oh, no, harold. He's gonna turn it back into the table by the time they get there. It's just that the tux that helmut rented was only an extra-extra-extra-large, and it's a tad snug, so he can't get the pants on unless he's lying down. I was wondering why helmut had no trousers on when I saw him. I thought to myself, "well, he's confident, isn't he?" wa-a-a! No, no. It's just the pants. They're so darned tight on him that he's afraid that if he creases them, it'll create a weak spot, and then the pants will rupture, and his whole body will explode outwards. So once he's got them on, glen's gonna open the sunroof so helmut can stand up for the trip. [ screeching ] oh. There's the cry of the wild possum, uncle red. Time for the lodge meeting. Better get down there. Yeah. This -- this probably won't take too long. And the only business I know of is that murray's gonna try and sell us something. So we're just gonna let him talk for a minute, then we'll say no, and then that's the end of it. So I'll be right back. [ screeching ] [ indistinct conversations ] all rise! Shh! All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Sit down. Kind of a quiet night tonight, boys. Okay, the floor recognizes murray woolworth. Yeah, okay, well, I just want everyone to know that Thursday is gonna be ladies' night down at the store, and the ladies can expect a 10% discount. [ all cheering ] I'll tell my wife about that. This only applies to single ladies. Harold: Good for me. [ footsteps clunking ] well, if that's all the business tonight, then I'm going to call on, um -- oh, wait a minute. What's this? What's this? Wa-a-a! You guys are back a little bit early, aren't you? So, how did it go? How did it go? The double date -- how did it go? You were on a double date tonight with each other and -- how did it go, the double date? Fine. Where's the tux? I broke it. Come on. How was the date? Double your pleasure, double your fun, huh? Whoo! Whoo! Fine. It was great. It was awesome. Did like -- did leslie look like, um -- like betty jo from "petticoat junction"? [ murmuring ] no, more like billy the kid from "gunsmoke." did she have a nice personality? Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold the phone. I just thought of something. Leslie is a boy's name, too, right? Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Bingo. [ laughs ] [ laughter ] I just assumed that they were identical twins, and they're not. I tell you, leslie was just as disappointed, though, because he thought that glen was a girl. [ laughter ] really? Yeah, you know, like glenn close. Well, he was in for a real letdown, wasn't he? [ laughter ] leslie actually thought glen was a good-looking girl. Man, I thought I was desperate. Wa-a-a, he didn't believe you were a guy? No. I shouldn't have shaved my whole body. He -- he asked for proof, so glen whipped out his, uh -- what did you whip out? My driver's license. And then, uh, l-leslie said that, uh, a driver's license could be faked. So, uh, t-then he grabbed the -- forget the details. Suffice it to say I punched the guy's lights out, and we can't go back to that restaurant again. That's it. End of story. Well, glen, maybe you and leslie can still be friends, though. No. No. That -- that never works out, red. All right, well, uh, if that's it for lodge business, uh, I'm gonna call on bill here to supply the evening's entertainment. [ cheers and applause ] this is a great one. Yeah, I love this trick. [ vacuum whirs ] okay. Nothing up his sleeve. There he goes! Well, there's a dream date they'll remember for a while. Or at least until they work up the courage to go on another one. It's amazing to me with so many eligible bachelors up here why they have so much trouble meeting women. I think it's because the women have gotten smarter. It's too bad. Anyway, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I'll be bringing a box of chocolates, minus the chocolates, 'cause I know you're on a diet. And I should be, especially now. So until next time, on behalf of myself, uh, and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ vacuum whirring ] oh, look at that! Oh! Bill, that's great! [ indistinct shouting ]